This morning I woke up and headed downstairs to have me a bowl of Golden Grahams and watch some MSNBC to get my day started. As I was coming down, I could hear the TV was on and I figured that, in my late night haze, I must have forgotten to turn it off or something. But as I came to the bottom of the stairs and turned the corner, I was shocked to see a visitor, sitting on my sofa and watch my TV... This was odd, very odd... I don't recall inviting anyone over, especially anyone with six legs. He appeared to be a roach, but he was larger than any roach I'd seen in my life (and having spent some time in the hood, I've seen my fair share of roaches). I thought to reach for a shoe or look for a newspaper to roll up... "Nah man, don't even try it." He said to me. "Excuse me?" I replied in shock. "You come at me with that paper or one of them Nikes and we gonna have a prollem, yo." He explained to me very calmly. "Nigga, you a roach. I mean, you the biggest, talkinest roach I done seen in my life, and you just gonna lamp on my sofa and watch my TV? NIGGA, IS YOU WATCHING MY GOLDEN CHILD DVD?!?!?" I tried to reason with him, but my anger began to creep out. "First off, I ain't no roach, aiight. I'm a Palmetto Bug. Them roaches, they some bitches. Secondly, you outta Golden Grahams, my nigga. And C, you ain't gonna do shit." He responded as he paused the movie. I'd had it, this was some bullshit. I reached for the Ikea catalog and went for the kill. He pulled a gun. "What I tell you, man? Didn't I say don't try it? Huh? Oh, you think you the first muhfucka to come at me like that? Huh? C'mon man, I been hit with Nikes, Reeboks, Vans, the Austin Statesman, Dallas Morning News, and New York Times... the Sunday edition of that bitch too... You think I'mma be shook by the muhfuckin' Ikea catalog? Nah, that's why I stay strapped." He said as he bounded off the sofa and into my face while waving his roscoe with one of his legs and throwing up gang signs with three of his others. I was at an impasse, I wasn't sure what to do now... this Palmetto Bug character was clearly a breed of insect I'd not bargained for. Again, I thought about ways to combat this menace, but my thoughts were thwarted when I saw the empty can of Raid laying on the floor in front of the sofa... "Oh yeah, the Raid... Nigga, I already went through that shit myself and yeah, I'M HIGH AS SHIT... So why don't you g'head and chill the fuck out and finish watching The Golden Child with your boy and let me get one of them squares." I handed him a Marlboro, he told me he preferred Menthol but it would do, and I sat down in my chair and watched TV with him. He told me about his life and his travels, explained to me how much he hated being confused for a roach and how he'd fathered a few thousand others but his baby momma was trippin' on him and wouldn't let him see his eggs. I started feeling for the nigga, really... But he was still a roach, I mean, Palmetto Bug, and this was still my house and I wasn't completely comfortable with his visit. He was high on Raid and I think the cigarette was making him woosy, so it was time for me to make my move. I asked him if he wanted a brew and started to walk back towards the kitchen when I picked up a broom and whispered to myself, "Let's roll." I took the broom and charged at him screaming "BONZAI!" and took three deliberate swipes at his head. As I reached back for the fourth, I could see the look in his six eyes as if I had betrayed him, betrayed his trust, and this his heart was broken. But I was steadfast and resolute, my hand was steady and pity was no longer going to persuade me from doing what I had to do. After the next two swipes, he dropped his weapon and tried to crawl towards the door. But it was too late for him. "I THOUGHT WE WAS BETTER THAN THIS, MAN!" He screamed. "That's what you get for thinkin', bitch!" I replied as I dropped the final, fatal swipe on his head. As I dragged his body out the door, I could see the other bugs looking at me in shock and terror. They now knew who I was... the past slayer of the squirrel and now, the murderer of the Palmetto Bug. In all, I am a nigga that is not to be fucked with by nature and wildlife. Now, I have my sights set on the birds that keep shitting on my car behind the house. They will be next.
